Dearest Son;

My dearest Nolan...

I am writing this to you as I feel as though it is a benefit to your health...and perhaps well being....If I hear the words "reach me" one more time, mommy is going to go postal...You are a 40lbs + child, I cannot carry you everywhere!! If you continue with this, I will be tempted to leave you with the neighbors...they seem like friendly enough people...you are cute, and can be good, when you wish, so I am certain they will make you a nice home...

Also, when I am on the phone, it does not mean that you should scream louder, just so the person on the other end of the phone assumes that I am slowly and painfully torturing you...it doesn't work that way...I will remember this, and when you are on the phone with your girlfriend, I will stand at your feet and scream "REACH ME"...Perhaps then you will realize the annoyance...Please keep in mind that I love you dearly, I am solely writing this for your benefit...

When I say "Please do not jump on the couch", I am beginning to wonder that if in toddler language, that truly means "please jump as high as possible...that's it, reach for the ceiling!!, atta boy!!..." as that seems to be the result of my warning...I do not tell you this to cramp your style, but rather as I do not want to take a screaming toddler into the hospital for a broken ankle...remember how much you hate the hospital??...it will be worse if you continue your behavior...trust me!

Dearest son, when mommy's patience level is at the point where it is as of late, perhaps you should take it upon yourself to play nicely...or just not scream in my face...I'm just sayin...

It is my strong suggestion that you take this letter to heart...it will benefit us both...

Love always,
Mommy